Alone..

R & L swirl

She was alone,  she had said she wanted to be alone but why for once had what she asked for come to pass?…She’d asked to win the lottery, she’d asked to meet Johnny Depp, she’d asked to meet her Prince Charming,  and had these wishes been granted?…NO, they hadn’t , so why was she now alone…with her own thoughts ?…

So here she was in answer to his letter and he hadn’t turned up… He’d changed his mind or else something had stopped him…but trying not to think on it, she groped in her pocket for a hankie, twisting in her chair to gain better access to it, when suddenly a hankie was proffered by a male hand.  Looking up she found he had bothered to turn up…and his gaze seemed so caring it started her eyes weeping tears of joy. She accepted the hankie, a linen one,  with gratitude and she smiled her thanks. Finding her voice at last she said ‘ Thank you, I’m so sorry I don’t know what to say, other than I am so glad you turned up’… His demeanour changed  as if he had second thoughts, as if he’d just as soon walk away, ‘and there you go again’ she admonished herself, ‘thinking you could read peoples minds,  just stop it and wait’ …so she did, patiently she waited as he seated himself beside her, placing his coat on the back of the chair and finally turning to look directly into her face.   ‘ Do you want a coffee?’  he asked as if putting off the chance to explain his letter .  She told herself off again for reading his words a different way, and nodded her response, then rallied to request ‘A cappuccino please’  

R & L swirl

She watched as he made his way to the counter and purchased two coffees and a couple of biscuits, and then he was back at their table placing everything down.   Her father, the one who had walked out on her life as a young child, the one who coloured her every chance at happiness with any man she’d ever met.   She was finally sitting here staring at him and she was struck dumb.  She tried to act normally, lifted the coffee cup to her lips and sipped it slowly.  Suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence, she asked  the one question she’d dreamed of being able to ask  ‘Why?’   and he knew exactly what she meant. He put down the cup he’d raised to his mouth,  slowly , as if playing for time before answering, and she stared at his hand still wearing his wedding band, She had the impression he was almost in pain and when he suddenly spoke his voice was so soft and quiet she could hardly hear his words…  ‘I can’t answer that question sweetheart, I just can’t answer it,  there are so many reasons I could be here ‘til sunset, lets just say that it was impossible to stay the situation being as it was ’ …  Again she asked ‘Why?’  and he continued, ‘ it was over, there was nothing to hold me’ and she flinched with pain, and he suddenly realised what he’d said, how he’d wounded her. He reached out with his hand and tried to hold hers but she flinched again. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…’   his voice was contrite but it didn’t stop her from jumping up and almost tipping over the table in her haste. ‘You had no ties at all?’  she threw at him in anger ‘no ties? Nothing to hold you? How fortunate for you. To be able to switch off and not feel a thing. Mother died of a broken heart, you shattered all her dreams and now you’re saying you felt nothing?’…

She marched away, head held high and full of anger, she would not stay and listen to more excuses, and what had she expected? An apology for her start in life? Her lack of a father to guide her?  Her not having that special bond between fathers and daughters to make her feel safe and secure in a masculine love?  Suddenly she stopped dead in her tracks, she’d thrown her accusation at him about her mother but here she was wailing about HER start in life, HER lack of a fathers guidance, …. she wasn’t unselfishly caring about her mothers loss, it was all about herself… and as she stood there stock still in self awareness, she felt a large hand grasp hers,  the world changed…everything  seemed unreal …..and she awoke, crying out ……

The dream again,  always the same one and with the same outcome, her mind couldn’t come up with any answers, so maybe there weren’t any?  She sat up and reached on her bedside table for a hankie and her grasping hands found one,  brought it to her eyes to wipe away the residue of tears and something dropped out. ‘Wait a minute,’ she thought whilst searching for whatever had fallen onto the duvet,   ‘this hankie was linen and she always used paper ones’   Her fingers found the elusive target and it was a gold ring, a mans wedding band.  As her fingers gently ran over the smoothness of the worn gold, her eyes sought out the inscription inside…  R & L  (Robert and  Lycia) her parents initials.., Where on earth had….?  and she remembered the dying seconds of her dream, the hand holding hers… leaving this ring …? 

Suddenly she wasn’t alone any more,  she had her happy thoughts to guide her…..

R & L swirl

LadyP © 2011

42 responses to “Alone..

  1. That was certainly worth reading! Bravo.

    Like

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