Category Archives: Life and Fear

Change, for changes sake?


I suppose it’s the New Year, maybe a need for a change or just a need within myself. I keep trying to change my site header, background, anything to make a difference. Anything, other than change the Theme, for Coraline it is, and Coraline it will stay. I cannot let go of the layout.  It ‘fits’  In such a way my life ‘fits’. I had a big decision last year but one,  (well,  it’s just I have this thing about years, I hate them passing so I backdate-without-numbers type of thing) and I am living by it. I nearly left my safe life to start a new one.  The House was up for sale and I was on cloud nine, going to start a life on my own.  In love with change, a difference from the day-to-day grind I decided I was living.  My holding pin was gone, My Bess, she left me and I broke. Into pieces. Strange to write that, not my partner but my dog, who was my friend and my heart.  Not a nice thing to write really, another human being was hurting too and I added to his pain.  We didn’t fit any more but there was a friendship and closeness which counts for a heck of a lot and I tried to be cold, heartless,  selfish, in order to break away. Totally unlike me. Enough to say I came to my senses, the house was taken off the market, Bess was still gone, but there was a firm foundation not sand beneath my feet.
Life goes on as it always will ‘til our last breath, it’s up to us to make sure it’s a life well lived and loved, if only in friendship, for love seems so fragile to me.
I don’t Blog about myself often, but I just spent a day trying to change my blog settings, and ended up just changing the background and header, small payment for a large headache, but I’m happy. (and grumpy, sneezy etc….) most of the time.


Self Preservation…

I am a coward, I know it,
words will not come,
they stick in my throat
as a barb sticks to a thumb.
Painful it be, as silence doth reign
yet if words ventured forth,
what be the gain?
I am a coward,
I know it,
and after a time,
acceptance seems normal,
the burden purely mine.


Circular window in ruins

Life seen through a window
seems protected somehow
the glass holding the wide world at bay
but… should the glass disappear,
would it prove that our fear
was just a social sign of decay.

“It’s been a while I know, but better late than never methinks. I hope everyone is fine ‘n dandy and I’ll try to  drop by real soon.     xPenx

Alarm & Bess…


Alarm Clock


watch the dial,
eyes on the time
I don’t know why
I wait for the chime,
to say its time to get out of bed
I wake first, as the alarm seems in my head…

LadyP © 2011


This past week has been very, very painful to live through, on finding out from the vets that Bess’s blood test on Tuesday showed that she has possible Kidney failure. They took her off her usual painkillers (as they were not recommended to be taken with this disease) but they did not think to replace them with any other meds. So from Tuesday ‘til Friday she was steadily going downhill by losing her ability to walk at all with her Osteoarthritis. I rang the vets and got an appointment on Friday to talk over the results and to find out why she couldn’t have any pain relief. They suggested Steroids but needed to check with the manufacturers to make sure they were ok to be taken with Bess’s problems.

This was Friday, and on Saturday morning Bess’s left front leg could not be moved without causing her instant pain.   We called the vet as soon as the surgery opened on Saturday morning, 9 0’clock, and had to wait for her to have a free slot to talk to us. My ex is a rock at the moment and he answered the phone when she finally rang at 11 o’clock, giving the ok , and ex went to fetch the pain killers. She’s been on them since Saturday morning and enough to say that this morning she was playing ball and staggering around barking at me tidying the garden.  My girl is no longer in pain, and although I know the road ahead is not going to be smooth,  until she has no quality of life left we will work through every pitfall.

I must admit that on Saturday morning I sat with her in my arms, watching as she was a tight ball of pain, and crying my eyes out as I was so helpless to do anything, waiting and praying for the vet to ring us with news about the Steroids, and both my ex and myself were wondering about asking for the final Injection,  to ease her suffering.  I have an almost hatred of Vets at the moment, at their seeming uncaring, unthinking attitude. We pay for a high degree of care, and Bess’s records show she needs pain killers, so why was she left without them for so long, and why was it left to us to ask for them?

We have another appointment tomorrow,  and we have to take a Urine sample with us, ( games ahead trying to catch her at it!!)  but hopefully the sample will show good results.  My fingers are crossed so , so tightly…

Which is why I thought I’d better let you know why I haven’t updated, and also why I haven’t been able to answer comments and visit anyone’s blogs.

I‘m lucky in that I can work from home, and my ex will help too. I would ask that you please pray for my girl, and may I thank you in advance for reading this, as I know I’m wittering on, but it has been almost a cathartic way of getting rid of the pain and feeling of helplessness inside.


LadyP… 2011




The pick pocket smiled as he reached swiftly inside
the old ladies handbag, it was left open quite wide..
He had seen something glinting, probably quite rare
He knew he wanted it and besides, she was not there.


The old lady smiled as she stood by the room door
watching the young man,  who was a thief for sure
searching for valuables,  taking anything he could
her money,  her broach,  and an old carving of wood.


The pick pocket smiled casting his eyes around
quite sneakily,  as a small mouse making no sound
and strange it should be that was how it came to pass
as a mouse,  changed and squeaking, truly cursed alas…


The Carving was special,  been in her family for an age,
gifted to them personally as they’d helped an ancient sage
He told them of it’s power, it’s protection as a shield
from people as the pick pocket, it’s magic would wield.


A warning to all thieves and pick pockets out there
should you steal from that Old lady, I offer, beware
you may end up as a little mouse squeaking and afraid.
The curse will lift eventually, but for you ‘twould feel an age..

LadyP © 2011